They Sold My Lake and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

I’m still struggling to grasp this concept, but Buckeye Lake has been sold. To Australia.

The crack reporters over in the Buckeye Lake Beacon newsroom report that due to the “state fiscal crisis,” Ohio has sold Buckeye Lake State Park to Macquarie Infrastructure Group (MIG) of Melbourne, Australia, who intends to turn the lake into the “party capital of the Midwest.” Who knew that such a thing was even possible? And why are we hearing about this after it’s a done deal? And even now, so far this appears to only be covered by the Beacon. Hey area news outlets, Ohio’s oldest state park is being turned into a frat house. Let’s get on that.

So what does this mean? Again, all I have to go on is what the Beacon’s article indicates, but here’s a start:

  • From fishing to boating, we all have to pay to use the lake.
  • Buckeye Lake has the potential to become one giant bar, as MIG will be permitted to sell liquor anywhere on the lake and its adjacent properties from 6am-4am Monday through Saturday, and 9am-4am on Sundays. Existing restaurant and bar owners are likely screwed.
  • Floating bars will conveniently accommodate alcoholic water craft operators.
  • You won’t be able to swing a dead wombat without hitting an Outback Steakhouse.
  • We will have to pay an Australian company if we want to watch our traditional lake fireworks display commemorating America’s independence.
  • People living in Millersport and Thornville will pay more per flush. Residents will likely set some aside and leave flaming presents on the doorstep of MIG’s Buckeye Lake office.
  • Boomerang-related accidents are expected to skyrocket.
  • The lake will feature an island for nudists and one for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered folk (Nipple Island and Atoll of Alternative Lifestyle, respectively).
  • The state is totally compensating lake residents by giving them t-shirts and memberships to the other Ohio state parks they haven’t sold yet.
  • Cranberry Bog will be converted into a British penal colony.

The only thing remotely humorous about any of this is the fact that MIG’s promotional “celebrity” (pronounced “viral video tool”) for this venture is the insolent Aussie brat who got busted for throwing a party while his parents were away. You all saw him and were amused by him too, but at a distance, please.

MIG is holding a meet-and-greet this Wednesday, and they’re sticking to their theme by supplying beer. I’m guessing that attending residents won’t be in the mood to party. I’m also counting on some to be angry drunks. Hopefully I’ll get a good story out of that.

16 thoughts on “They Sold My Lake and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

  1. It’s early but the best time to pull an April Fool’s prank is in March. If so, at least I got to get some cracks in and re-watch the video of the kid who threw the party. But it always makes sense that the only news items the Beacon ever breaks are fake ones. Lie to me online, but never in print.

  2. Would you feel better about things if instead of T-shirts everyone received a matching hat and sunglasses set courtesy of Corey Worthington? Because those are awesome.

    Hopefully it’s just an April Fool’s joke like Kevin suggested. It seems so ridiculous and far fetched. You’re going to show up wednesday with a camera tho, aren’t you? It would be interesting to see their offering of bloomin’ onions, shrimp on the barbi and beer (pronounced bee-yuh) met with torches and pitchforks of angry Ohioans.

  3. Wow. Now I am completely convinced that this article HAS to be an April Fool’s joke. Kevin what you said had me thinking but the clincher was that the article said “International party celebrity Corey Delaney is promoting Buckeye Lake at Spring Break events, colleges and bars” with a pic of the punk kid from the infamous “Aussie Party” clip in the viral video thread. This was good.

    Also, I searched the MIG website and there are no results for a “Buckeye Lake” search. The website itself states “One of the largest private developers of toll roads in the world”.

  4. Hopefully it’s just an April Fool’s joke like Kevin suggested. It seems so ridiculous and far fetched. You’re going to show up wednesday with a camera tho, aren’t you?

    I am more than willing to be duped. Everything I say is a lie (except that), so this is right up my alley. And I’ll admit, I came back to April Fool’s a number of times, but kept talking myself out of it.

    What did it for me was having a physical copy of the paper (since I’m instinctually more skeptical of what I read online), and more so the fact that my parents gave it to me. Your mom doesn’t lie to you in print. At least I don’t think so… Now I’m looking forward to talking to my folks about this to find out if they got the joke and just laid the paper out to see if I would fall for it. If that’s the case, would it be inappropriate to retaliate with a series of cruel and elaborate practical jokes?

    And yes, Julie, I totally would’ve gone to such a meeting to document the local color.

  5. “Boaters will be able to enjoy adult beverages on the lake. In fact, floating bars will accommodate about any refreshment request. Carry-in alcoholic beverages are prohibited. But, drunken boat captains won’t be tolerated. ‘Water safety monitors’ will patrol the lake and drunken captains will lose their privileges for the day.”

    Do they really think this is going to work? I don’t know, I want to go ahead and call bullshit right now, but then again…

  6. So it was a prank for sure? What am I going to do for Spring Break now…? I had my heart set on young men walking around in those famous sunglasses and hats and floating from one buoy bar to another… sad.

    Still, getting taken in by a false local story is much better than having to pay Australia the next time you take Maeby and Rudy canoeing. (And you should check to see if they are having any kind of T-shirt made up for the people who were in on it… I know I would… everyone loves T-shirts)

  7. Prank or no prank, it was a rather amusing article nonetheless. The whole paper screamed April fool’s Day for me, especially the cleverly placed paragraph at the end of the Beacon:

    “Hamilton and Lucas are sharing their plans and visions in more detail at a series of meet-up sessions with residents. The first one is set for 7 p.m. on Wednesday, April 1 in the Lakewood Junior High School auditorium.”

    Hmmm….first meeting set for April 1st.

    Well, my reasons for visiting the mighty Buckeye Lake (and maybe Bill) went from 1 back down to 0 in a matter of hours. Also disappointed in you Bill for being hoodwinked in the first place, unless of course your write-up was to fool your loyal readers…

    And the “Buckeye Lake It’s a party, mate” sign on the property is not even a fark-worthy Photoshop.

  8. be sure to go to the meeting at the JUNIOR HIGH school where they will serve ALCOHOL.

    You have to figure news like this big would at least be covered by the lancaster eagle gazette.

  9. Some of you have pinged me about this thread, questioning my sincerity, and I must say I appreciate your skepticism. I can see how this would seem like one of those few times I’ve ever spoken with sarcasm or mischievous deceit, especially considering the fact that I am more than willing to dance for my laughs (those of you who have literally seen me dance know exactly what i mean by that).

    And speaking of April 1, keep an eye out for that dreaded Conficker, the first worm ever to hit the Internet.

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