I’m still struggling to grasp this concept, but Buckeye Lake has been sold. To Australia.
The crack reporters over in the Buckeye Lake Beacon newsroom report that due to the “state fiscal crisis,” Ohio has sold Buckeye Lake State Park to Macquarie Infrastructure Group (MIG) of Melbourne, Australia, who intends to turn the lake into the “party capital of the Midwest.” Who knew that such a thing was even possible? And why are we hearing about this after it’s a done deal? And even now, so far this appears to only be covered by the Beacon. Hey area news outlets, Ohio’s oldest state park is being turned into a frat house. Let’s get on that.
So what does this mean? Again, all I have to go on is what the Beacon’s article indicates, but here’s a start:
- From fishing to boating, we all have to pay to use the lake.
- Buckeye Lake has the potential to become one giant bar, as MIG will be permitted to sell liquor anywhere on the lake and its adjacent properties from 6am-4am Monday through Saturday, and 9am-4am on Sundays. Existing restaurant and bar owners are likely screwed.
- Floating bars will conveniently accommodate alcoholic water craft operators.
- You won’t be able to swing a dead wombat without hitting an Outback Steakhouse.
- We will have to pay an Australian company if we want to watch our traditional lake fireworks display commemorating America’s independence.
- People living in Millersport and Thornville will pay more per flush. Residents will likely set some aside and leave flaming presents on the doorstep of MIG’s Buckeye Lake office.
- Boomerang-related accidents are expected to skyrocket.
- The lake will feature an island for nudists and one for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered folk (Nipple Island and Atoll of Alternative Lifestyle, respectively).
- The state is totally compensating lake residents by giving them t-shirts and memberships to the other Ohio state parks they haven’t sold yet.
- Cranberry Bog will be converted into a British penal colony.
The only thing remotely humorous about any of this is the fact that MIG’s promotional “celebrity” (pronounced “viral video tool”) for this venture is the insolent Aussie brat who got busted for throwing a party while his parents were away. You all saw him and were amused by him too, but at a distance, please.
MIG is holding a meet-and-greet this Wednesday, and they’re sticking to their theme by supplying beer. I’m guessing that attending residents won’t be in the mood to party. I’m also counting on some to be angry drunks. Hopefully I’ll get a good story out of that.